What a strange week. Today is the last actual school day for Lolo’s Junior Year! Woo hoo…next week is finals. The girl is caught up after missing so much and ready to take her finals. It has been a bittersweet week as she has said good-bye to the Seniors and realized she is now going to be a Senior. This is such a huge transition. It is scary for most Seniors and for her the same. But, yesterday I realize it is ready for her to feel safe, which means she has to fight a few of her own demons this summer. I have really done some soul searching on what is the proper amount of parenting that needs to be done now? Lolo has been a wise little soul. She hasn’t needed too much help socially, at least for advice and such. She likes my ideas here and there, but takes her own direction. For help in school, the same. She is actually pretty independent and only calls on some Mom back-up when she is truly in the trenches or needs the right words.
I think I am a bit numb this week. Not numb enough. I had a very minor medical procedure yesterday and it threw me for a loop. I realize my anxiety is through the roof. If you are number one body guard against your child’s cancer, you don’t want to be vulnerable. I think I have been acting like an armed guard for so long, taking care of myself and being down for a bit made me scared. It actually made me pissed off. I had a little woo woo juice…where did that name come from?…during my procedure yesterday. My brain went wacko during the procedure as it went from hurting to out and out PAIN. I still don’t know if I dropped an “F” bomb out loud, but they were flying through my head pretty rapidly. The “F” bombs were also mixed with a conversation with God that surprised me….it was kind of like….What the effin’ ef is going on here? Why would you do this to us? I don’t think I was referring to myself, but in some state of vulnerability the pure on RAGE came out against the God I have leaned on over the years. I was ready to wage war and I am still astounded. Maybe I haven’t felt like she was safe enough all these years to speak to the Man and tell him how I really felt? Maybe I am starting to feel like she is just possibly going to survive this hell that is pediatric cancer and I am finally ready to settle the score. Deep down inside I am afraid of retribution. Could he possibly take my rage and insubordination out on me and bring that evil beast back to face once again? That isn’t the God I know and isn’t the one I intellectually subscribe too, but I guess my spiritual truth came out in spades yesterday as I was ready to take Him on. In that vulnerable position waiting to get my own biopsy done, I realize I am terrified that if something happened to me, who would fight the dragon and keep my baby safe? Am I channeling my own “Mother of Dragons” here? (Just some common girl stuff, btw, nothing to worry about.) Maybe we are all like that. Once we become Moms we need to keep our own self strong so we can help our kids. I always felt pretty good on that front, but I think I am tired and worn out. This has been a noble fight, but I am surely tired of fighting. Time to take off the armor and walk the walk……I have always felt that pushing Lolo out there and not protecting her all the time has given her the nod that I truly, truly in my soul feel like she is going to be ok.
Lolo had signed up to do a CNA course over the month of June. She came home this week and said she was dreading it. She wanted to just do swimteam and condition herself. I thought about it and I really want her to have a fitness routine. But, as she recovers, she needs to swallow the bitter pill that is coming with being a Senior. It is time to do some things that aren’t pure joy….maybe even a few that just plain suck. She will have to find her silver lining. We can’t get the money back for our deposit on her CNA course, so big girl is going to have to put her big girl scrubs on and go to school in June. Yeah….I know….deep down inside she should just get to paint, listen to music, and lay by the pool….but, that isn’t reality. LIfe is moving on and she wants to see if she can handle nursing in college. This will give her practice talking to people (Miss shy girl) and learning something. She can do this. She is healthy. She is going to be ok. It is time for her to suffer just enough to start experiencing her life, her real life….as a Survivor!? It is time to make some plans and prepare for her future. I think it is time for me to realize also that God can handle the “F” bombs that might need to explode not only inside my head, but I may need to drop a few this summer. It is time to lighten my load.
Lolo’s Angels, Inc.
Founder & President
Fighting for a Cure for Pediatric Cancer!